The Life of a Premature Metro Goddess

At this moment I don't think I even have the words to describe how I am feeling. All the anxiety I had about this election has left my body and I am just left with an immense feeling of pride

"I am the first to admit I have dated all around the world, as a matter of fact a former friend and I would call ourselves the UN (United Nations). As a young black woman I had the all too common experience of growing up in a predominantly white southern town, on the daily seeing racism in ways that some may never know, I also had the benefit of a very diverse family who would break the mold just as well as hold it in place..." In continuation from the previous post on this issue, yes, I have dated outside of my race with frequency. It still amazes me how a visual characteristic can have such an unwavering hold on the minds and lives of people that it remains one of the most predominant issues of hot debate. The discussion of race is necessary to rid us of those misconceptions we may have about others at the same time I think in some ways the constant discussion of race just serves to continually draw attention to the subtle insignificant differences between people, its a ver...

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The seasons have changed. I would have said the seasons are changing but I think it is way past that now. The Sun has changed angles, the way the light bounces off objects and cast its shadows on the ground I feel the calm that I get this time of year. When the air gets cool and it smells like home. When love is amplified and reflects off each moment. When music is calmer, making everything more still. When family gets tighter, nights get that glow, and days fade into one another. Ahh Autumn, my favorite time of year. **fiREfly**

I am currently half way finished with the entry about interracial dating but I'm in one of those moods where I have to switch gears and rant. I love the work that I do. I work with students in the public school system who are not necessarily on the right path to provide them the support they need to stay in school and move on to positive things in their lives, that is the short version. The long version is that I am a teacher, advocate, advisor, counselor...all those things kids need from everyone in the school that because of sheer size can not be provided to every kid. I love that. I love interacting with my kids, listening to them talk, having them call me at all hours for ridiculous nonsensical stuff which really translates to them wanting me to care and knowing that I care so much that those calls are OK. In the words of my coworker and friend I love the work that I do but I hate my job. I hate that I have an non supportive management team who I feel only backs me to get the d...

Friday- Hair Braided and Birthday for Julian Saturday-State Fair Club with Ashly Sunday (we'll discuss all the issues I have surrounding this later) Needless to say I have not had time to finish part 2 of the earlier posting...crossing my fingers for today. **FireFly*

In the almost 2 months since school has started up again I've established an altered routine due to my "transitioning into a new school". Spending most of my time at home until I formally establish my program at the new school has also somehow required my spending an almost unimaginable amount of time in the car. I wake up in the morning at 5:30 a.m. to drive my mother to work, I drive back home and get in somewhere between 6:30 and 7. I get back up at 8 to take my sister to school, come home and leave out again at 11 to pick her up. Finally I leave home around 3 or 3:30 ish to get my mom again. And in this time spent in the car I have become a big fan of Monique's radio show . She is funny, candid, and I can't get the damn theme song out of my head. So today on my trip I was listening as she discussed interracial dating... hmmm . I am the first to admit I have dated all around the world, as a matter of fact a former friend and I would call ourselves the UN (Uni...

I have writer's block. I have said this before, several times over the past few years as a matter of fact. I have always been a writer. I remember winning first place in the young authors contest in 3rd grade, this due to my overwhelming desire to write and my overactive imagination. As the years have progressed I established this kind of pattern I would write a lot, for months at a time, and then at a certain point the writing would stop as if my brain were recharging and I would wait for it to come back. Typically emotions would be linked to the writing so it was never an issue when I stopped. Never an issue until recently. As with many people I saw this major life shift after graduating college, this care free life I had evolved into a life of responsibility, jobs, payments, I will say responsibility yet again. You grow up and things change but I never expected the writing to stop. As a matter of fact I created this blog as a college senior with all expectations that upon gradua...

I have decided to start over, which I am known to do at random moments during my existence however this time it is more of a starting over my blog, an overhaul maybe, a bloggerhaul? I started writing this my senior year of college with this unwavering belief that from that moment on I would chronicle my dramatically exciting fun filled exploration into my newly found adult world. Sadly soon there after I realized there wasn't all too much exciting about paying bills, the 9 to 5 or other incarnations of such, and the drama surrounding relationships. Paying bills just is and it sucks that way, the 9 to 5 at some point takes on this glazed over, I'm tired of the monotony kinda view, and the relationships overtake all and that is just too much. This space was created to be multifaceted and kinda fell into the mundane, boring, is this the same thing I just wrote last week which only creates writers block which I can have anywhere from one week to two years soo... moving on to the po...

It is finally a new year. I used to always have a very distinct feeling about the ending and beginning of a year but I know longer do. I am confused and I have had months to not be yet still, and even though I thought it had passed away here I am trying to put my finger on what goes wrong.

How does one find their way through the maze that is a relationship when wearing a blindfold? Do you reach for the walls around you and pray to reach the exit, do walk in endless circles until you're too tired to move? No, you reach out to the other person, trapped along side you and find your way together. Being in a long distance relationship makes this whole process much worse, its like being trapped in a maze, blindfolded and not reaching out for someone to guide you, but listening to words over a loud speaker, trying to interpret what is being said while remembering to make it out alive. You can not have a partner when you don't give up all the information. You can't make plans, establish a life together, and get through all of that with only 85%. The boyfriend has this horrible habit of leaving things out, important facts or pieces of information that could not only prevent complicated misunderstanding but work to smooth those out so much faster. And not only does he ...

Why do men feel the need to lie? Why do they feel the need to do this even when you are no longer in the midst of an all out emotional and ethical war with the feelings you have for each other and the feelings you aren't supposed to acknowledge as existing? Simply stated for all to read, never ever, EVER EVER, EVER EVER EVER get into a relationship with someone you work with, but I digress. Is it some instinctual or biological function, some chemical release that creates a constancy of the need for you to tell me something that is so far from the truth that if we were in the same room we both would be thinking "wow that's a liar" with an accompanying expression plastered on our faces. I ask this because of the "departure". So the certain someone whom shall remain anonymous, whom should have remained a coworker sees me in the hall, this is followed by brief, work related small talk as I'd hope to keep it as such and then the departure Example 1: ...

I shame my title, Premature Metro Goddess. All those things I spoke of , of life and craziness, living to the extremes, just living... and now I am my work. I am a Career Specialist, I work with high school students, I help them see the forest in the midst of all the tress, and I help them develop that dream of "What am I, and Who will I be?". Yet someone in all of that I've lost sight of the forest for all those trees. I long for all those things that we thought came after the diploma. I long for the shimmer of it all, the glowing, multi faceted expanse of things that I saw in front of me that have somehow faded to a dim light shining subordinate next to the glow of my computer screen. Upon my initial analysis of things I lived under the assumption that at this point I would be a screaming poet with words flowing like honey, a staunch feminist rallying for our rights, guitar playing on the balcony late nights under the moon, dinners lingering into the next day, d...

What goes around comes around? I'm listening to Justin Timberlake and in one of those moods for writing. Is that true, are all those old sayings of retribution, karma, and putting it out in the universe true?

I heard this song today and it reminded me of something... I want to download it but can't find it..grr. So as not to forget it, I'll keep it here. don't mistake me for a fool it's never been easy for me to lie and it's hard on me hard on me it's so easy for you to say goodbye when i don't know how to walk away from you i don't know how to not turn around i was lost and you were found i can hold you but that don't mean you're mine breathe you in only to exhale but you revived me revived my heart only to watch it fail now i don't know how to walk away from you i don't know how to not turn around i was lost and you were found i don't know how to walk away from you

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the things I disliked were residual emotions of that situation. Maybe he's good and I was right in the first place. Maybe **FireFly**

I haven't blogged in a while, haven't really spoke of how I was feeling, and I'm feeling a lot at the moment. I am a bit confused, as it were. I have this horrible habit of caring too much for people, all people whom I allow to enter my life. As a personal flaw I must admit it is a great one to have, yet as a personal flaw it is hell for working through emotionally. I had a relationship with someone I should not have and whom I should have, all at the same time...hence my confusion. I am in love with someone and romantically indifferent to the other someone whom I should have left alone. We have established a pretty good working relationship as well yet there is still something that I can't put my finger on. I bump into him, I see his phone number and I completely forget how I DON'T feel about him, and succumb to some illegitimate urge to talk, speak, listen, or whatever it is he needs or wants. I hate that. I hate forgetting all the things I dislike about ...

I have come to the conclusion that I talk to much...about myself...way too much. A while ago I was commenting to the best friend that a certain individual in my life never calls for good things anymore, he only calls to go into these lengthy dissertations about the "woe is me" nature of his life; I listen, nod to myself much as I'm sure a therapist would do while also charging by the hour, and then the conversation ends. No hourly payment, just the complete joy of knowing that I am his complaint station : \ So recently when I began calling the best friend with complaints and worries it came to me that I was in some way becoming just like that individual, but why? What is it that I talk about? Him for starters the rich complexities of our relationship...you know the whole "started out like a beautiful plan ride add a touch of turbulence, and BOOM crashed and burning". But most recently and what will become the main focus of this entry: My friend, who lives...

9/26/2007 I wrote this lengthy entry on why I was apprehensive about posting certain things to my blog. Probably because I think too much, I over analyze, and I'm constantly concerned with making sure I'm understood... but whatever. I need all that space to be filled with silence. I'd rather have nothing, than nothing disguised as something. -Like A Thief In the Night They say I write like a thief; take a piece of those men from my pen to this page a chronicle remembering all the mistakes I made. Like that sweat off your brow taste that sweet from your mouth I let you go south.... from my pen to this page. This golden honey smells like spices and sage. Must be a king or a mage Cuz he's got me glazed over and swaying to his beat In this African Ass Heat... From my pen to this page. Finding ways not to want him as he comes and he goes. And he comes as I leave him from my pen to this page. Why shouldn't I be heated burning red hot embers ...

9/24/2007 I have blogging fear. What does that mean you ask? Despite the fact that I created this little place on the web for myself in order for people to better understand who I am, and the life I've come to exist within, I have a fear of my blog being read. To go a little deeper, I am a writer. I am a poet. When I write I reach deep within myself and pull out every inch, every ounce, every crumb of emotion that could even begin to express what it is that I might want to say. I am honest. That is the essential core of everything I write or say but sometimes it is quite possible that my honesty, or the presence of my emotions over time displayed visually in a textual format has the ability to be 1. Misinterpreted, 2. Over analyzed, 3. Taken out of context. My worst fear is censuring myself because I'm afraid of the power of my words, but then that is why I write because of the power of my words so to deny that would be some form of self directed hypocrisy...and I rant on a...