You come in here,
Burnt fingertips,
Darkness touching lips,
And all these lies.
Darkness starts to abound you,
And the light of my life starts to fade away.
Self destruction,
Self-destructive.
But, if you shift the blame,
While shifting eyes,
Shifting feet,
Shifting stories,
I become the destroyer, the one taking lives, and misplacing souls.
Destroying yourself, in turn destroying me…
…where thou diest, will I die.
And the light of my life starts to fade away.
Tears fall hard on deaf ears,
Pain passes unseen by turned blind eyes.
Ignorance is bliss,
Bliss is the deception,
And the deception comes again,
It is the destroyer of things.
But I will not let him take you,
I will mark this sign upon my house,
I will be in observance and bare reverence.
I will do all those things
And it shall pass over you,
And it shall pass over me,
And it shall pass over the fruits of the tree.
As it were before,
Yes, this too shall pass.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
And All I Really Want...
I am currently in the throws of some galactic battle, an all out war on common sense, reality, and all those things which should really be important in our day to day. I am planning a wedding.
A few years ago pre-engagement, before meeting the man who I had no idea would be the one, I knew exactly what I wanted in a wedding. At this point the marriage part did not factor in because hey, I had time. I wanted the wind, and trees, a few friends, a few family, a pretty simple dress, and him. There was no need for rice and bubbles, doves or bells, poofy hair and perfect nails. I was always that simplistic about my life, hating the showy monstrosity of it all and now I am here.
I am here in the midst of the chaotic. 150 people, catering, photographers, dresses, and hair, and centerpieces, and music, and linen jackets to make it dressy enough but not too dressy. Somewhere along the way I lost it, somewhere along the way. I long for the stillness, the quiet, the spontaneous. That stillness of it all that kept me centered and balanced. But missing that leads to internal conflict which is so overwhelming it almost feels like wading through sand. Looking at this thing I have made.
We are here, with all the guests, and the food, dresses, linen, music, flowers and somehow that became what I wanted, and the sad part is that I cannot even remember how. I can only remember that at the center of it all what I really wanted and really want is to be with him.
At the center of all the madness is this deep wanting. I want to be HIS wife more than I want to be A bride. I want to come home from a long day at work and jump into my sweats, throw my hair into a pony tail and cook his favorite foods while he's Warcrafting away, or watching tv, or just taking a moment to breathe. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that tomorrow it won't be calling to hear his voice, but it will be rolling over and seeing him laying there beside me, each and everyday. I want to see his smile, not having to pick up on it via IM, text message, or with a phone attached to our ears. I want to try new things that I would never do just because I know he is there and so it will be ok.
I don't know how I lost it but I did, and somehow for him the craziness is ok. Its ok, but I'm overwhelmed when I should just let it be ok...and for that I feel a bit like poo.
From the moment we met all I ever wanted was to love him, that won't change no matter how many people are there when I say it and he says it and we are married. And so now it all seems a bit silly, being so caught up seems a bit silly when the big thing that really matters has been here all along. It did not need to be bought, nor did it need to be catered, and it doesn't always look perfect, or play out exactly how you thought. But then, that is real love isn't it. And I really love him, and I know he really loves me.
A few years ago pre-engagement, before meeting the man who I had no idea would be the one, I knew exactly what I wanted in a wedding. At this point the marriage part did not factor in because hey, I had time. I wanted the wind, and trees, a few friends, a few family, a pretty simple dress, and him. There was no need for rice and bubbles, doves or bells, poofy hair and perfect nails. I was always that simplistic about my life, hating the showy monstrosity of it all and now I am here.
I am here in the midst of the chaotic. 150 people, catering, photographers, dresses, and hair, and centerpieces, and music, and linen jackets to make it dressy enough but not too dressy. Somewhere along the way I lost it, somewhere along the way. I long for the stillness, the quiet, the spontaneous. That stillness of it all that kept me centered and balanced. But missing that leads to internal conflict which is so overwhelming it almost feels like wading through sand. Looking at this thing I have made.
We are here, with all the guests, and the food, dresses, linen, music, flowers and somehow that became what I wanted, and the sad part is that I cannot even remember how. I can only remember that at the center of it all what I really wanted and really want is to be with him.
At the center of all the madness is this deep wanting. I want to be HIS wife more than I want to be A bride. I want to come home from a long day at work and jump into my sweats, throw my hair into a pony tail and cook his favorite foods while he's Warcrafting away, or watching tv, or just taking a moment to breathe. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that tomorrow it won't be calling to hear his voice, but it will be rolling over and seeing him laying there beside me, each and everyday. I want to see his smile, not having to pick up on it via IM, text message, or with a phone attached to our ears. I want to try new things that I would never do just because I know he is there and so it will be ok.
I don't know how I lost it but I did, and somehow for him the craziness is ok. Its ok, but I'm overwhelmed when I should just let it be ok...and for that I feel a bit like poo.
From the moment we met all I ever wanted was to love him, that won't change no matter how many people are there when I say it and he says it and we are married. And so now it all seems a bit silly, being so caught up seems a bit silly when the big thing that really matters has been here all along. It did not need to be bought, nor did it need to be catered, and it doesn't always look perfect, or play out exactly how you thought. But then, that is real love isn't it. And I really love him, and I know he really loves me.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A Splash of Something New
There are times now when I get the urge to write. Those are moments when I try to hang onto that urge like a little girl chasing fireflies. The moments are so few and far between these days that I play in them as long as I can. Lingering in the words, and the thoughts until they fly away and all I can do is look at what was once there.
I keep coming back to why I started writing this blog so many years ago, the so MANY part still being what gets me each time. I am older, I'd like to say wiser, and have learned a few life lessons that have brought me to where I am today. I once saw this life through the eyes of a Premature Metro Goddess, wanted to take on the world. I was sure of what would and what would not, and accepted nothing less, over and out, didn't want to hear anymore...the iron fist had been laid, lain? Anyway...
As we speak though, I am not that woman I thought I would be, sometimes I still feel a bit like the girl I once was, but I do know this woman is someone else. Someone different and unexpected.
My wants of the past were a good non-profit job, I was going to save the world and income was not important, it was the work I was doing.
I was going to be the proverbial social butterfly, flitting my way around the scene.
I was going to make new friends and travel the world.
I would remain true to the causes, feminism and gender equity, LGTB rights, diversity awaremess YAY..and a democrat all the way.
I would date, ya know. Who needed a man to tie them down...ALL the TIME
And I would live like no other, feel it all, doing it all, being it all...yup that was the plan. And this is where those two women and that one girl come to diverge in paths.
Nonprofit, been there done that. I love what I did until I didn't. And though I still want to save THE world, MY world is a bit too expensive to depend on 3rd party funding, budget deficits, and closing school sites. We are the world, sha na, we are the children...more we were the world, we were the children.
I have made new friends, and kept some old. Some are platinum, some are silver, some are gold, and a couple were this heavy plastic, kind of a dead weight so they had to be let go. And I have traveled, not necessarily The World but I'll get there.
And let me tell you a little something about The Cause and the College Student. The cause is what you live for, that and a little extra rest, a drink or two and Wednesday's Wing Buffet in the dining hall. College is all about wants, what you want to do, be, save, create, make better, Blah Blah, Blah Blah. Feminism still holds a place in my heart, I guess I am a feminist deep down, but I'm not spending the extra 10 bucks for a t-shirt that says so. Gender equity...women are smarter, men get paid more...kind of an unfair and deranged separate but equal if you will. LGTB rights, I'm not screaming from the rooftops and waving rainbow flags but I still hold my beliefs on LGTB rights as close to my heart as I ever did. Diversity awareness and democrats...see the world more and be a little less ignorant, and democrats suck, they are just more liberal with their sucking that the GOP so a lesser of two evils.
The dating, not tied down thing. Now thats where I failed, appears monogamous stability is my thing, so the dating never really took off. And now this woman is living out that little girls ideas and is in love, and actually thinking about babies...notice those were not on the radar of the Premature Metro Goddess.
I am not who I was once was, but I am who I will always be. I like the newness and the familiarity of myself. I like the passion and love, the spunk that has come from somewhere. Crazy enough I'm kinda loving who I am. So see I am wiser, taking what I got, and loving it like hell. What a lesson.
I keep coming back to why I started writing this blog so many years ago, the so MANY part still being what gets me each time. I am older, I'd like to say wiser, and have learned a few life lessons that have brought me to where I am today. I once saw this life through the eyes of a Premature Metro Goddess, wanted to take on the world. I was sure of what would and what would not, and accepted nothing less, over and out, didn't want to hear anymore...the iron fist had been laid, lain? Anyway...
As we speak though, I am not that woman I thought I would be, sometimes I still feel a bit like the girl I once was, but I do know this woman is someone else. Someone different and unexpected.
My wants of the past were a good non-profit job, I was going to save the world and income was not important, it was the work I was doing.
I was going to be the proverbial social butterfly, flitting my way around the scene.
I was going to make new friends and travel the world.
I would remain true to the causes, feminism and gender equity, LGTB rights, diversity awaremess YAY..and a democrat all the way.
I would date, ya know. Who needed a man to tie them down...ALL the TIME
And I would live like no other, feel it all, doing it all, being it all...yup that was the plan. And this is where those two women and that one girl come to diverge in paths.
Nonprofit, been there done that. I love what I did until I didn't. And though I still want to save THE world, MY world is a bit too expensive to depend on 3rd party funding, budget deficits, and closing school sites. We are the world, sha na, we are the children...more we were the world, we were the children.
I have made new friends, and kept some old. Some are platinum, some are silver, some are gold, and a couple were this heavy plastic, kind of a dead weight so they had to be let go. And I have traveled, not necessarily The World but I'll get there.
And let me tell you a little something about The Cause and the College Student. The cause is what you live for, that and a little extra rest, a drink or two and Wednesday's Wing Buffet in the dining hall. College is all about wants, what you want to do, be, save, create, make better, Blah Blah, Blah Blah. Feminism still holds a place in my heart, I guess I am a feminist deep down, but I'm not spending the extra 10 bucks for a t-shirt that says so. Gender equity...women are smarter, men get paid more...kind of an unfair and deranged separate but equal if you will. LGTB rights, I'm not screaming from the rooftops and waving rainbow flags but I still hold my beliefs on LGTB rights as close to my heart as I ever did. Diversity awareness and democrats...see the world more and be a little less ignorant, and democrats suck, they are just more liberal with their sucking that the GOP so a lesser of two evils.
The dating, not tied down thing. Now thats where I failed, appears monogamous stability is my thing, so the dating never really took off. And now this woman is living out that little girls ideas and is in love, and actually thinking about babies...notice those were not on the radar of the Premature Metro Goddess.
I am not who I was once was, but I am who I will always be. I like the newness and the familiarity of myself. I like the passion and love, the spunk that has come from somewhere. Crazy enough I'm kinda loving who I am. So see I am wiser, taking what I got, and loving it like hell. What a lesson.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Restoration, the perfect gift.
So I am about to turn 25 and everyone keeps asking what I want to do, my response of course being I want to party and I guess on some level that is always a good answer from my perspective but lately I have been thinking about so many things; how I feel about my life right now, and what is it I really want?
What do I really want for my 25th birthday?
A return to optimism, that intrinsic idea that no matter what, things are going to be ok. I love the optimism I have carried with me through this life and it seems to have been ravaged here lately but I miss it fiercely. When I lose it there is this replacement of anxiety that keeps me frozen, and afraid, and worried. I want my optimism, so I will have to take it.
I want contentment, the feeling you have after a good day right when you fall asleep in that comfortable position knowing that tomorrow is going to be an even better day, and you fall asleep with a sigh and a smile.
I want to remember to reflect on the love in my life, coming from all directions.
I want the ability to let things go, and be at peace with the past.
I want for my birthday to be happy and carefree.
From my mother and sister I want craziness and laughing. From my Granny I want to have time. From my Love, my Heart I want serenity and calm, appreciation. From my ladies respectively I want Tiffany squealing, LaShawn being sarcastic, and Ashly quoting everything like we do. I want Antwan's craziness. Being evil with Agnes :P
I want to be who I am with the people I am with. And I want to feel all the good things we feel towards each other when we are together. I want to wake up full of optimism and fall asleep full of thanks.
And sometimes that is all it takes. Not clothes, or toys, or going out of the way but those moments that we often take for granted where we just are in all our glory.
I want that glory, it restores me. Effortless restoration.
**Ashe**
What do I really want for my 25th birthday?
A return to optimism, that intrinsic idea that no matter what, things are going to be ok. I love the optimism I have carried with me through this life and it seems to have been ravaged here lately but I miss it fiercely. When I lose it there is this replacement of anxiety that keeps me frozen, and afraid, and worried. I want my optimism, so I will have to take it.
I want contentment, the feeling you have after a good day right when you fall asleep in that comfortable position knowing that tomorrow is going to be an even better day, and you fall asleep with a sigh and a smile.
I want to remember to reflect on the love in my life, coming from all directions.
I want the ability to let things go, and be at peace with the past.
I want for my birthday to be happy and carefree.
From my mother and sister I want craziness and laughing. From my Granny I want to have time. From my Love, my Heart I want serenity and calm, appreciation. From my ladies respectively I want Tiffany squealing, LaShawn being sarcastic, and Ashly quoting everything like we do. I want Antwan's craziness. Being evil with Agnes :P
I want to be who I am with the people I am with. And I want to feel all the good things we feel towards each other when we are together. I want to wake up full of optimism and fall asleep full of thanks.
And sometimes that is all it takes. Not clothes, or toys, or going out of the way but those moments that we often take for granted where we just are in all our glory.
I want that glory, it restores me. Effortless restoration.
**Ashe**
"Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliché
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's"
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