Thursday, October 03, 2013
So I posted this to Facebook tonight:
So this Capital shooting is bothering me. I'm wondering what was this woman's intention when she put her child (assumed) in the backseat of her car and decided to go ram into the barricades in front of the White House. The part that is really bothering me is was her intention to make a point or to hurt someone? And if her intention was to make a point how did she assume it might end? With her being killed in front of her child (assumed) and being portrayed as this violent crazy person. And finally I'm sure this is the result of several things, but is one of those things this game that is being played between political parties to prove a point.#allforthisbullshit (Assumed).

I can't help but feeling like this was a mistake. Watching this entire thing unfold live, and the images of that poor little girl being carried off by police in the midst of chaos. Now that I am a mother I always try to think of things from the perspective of "what if that were my child?" I cannot imagine a mother wanting her child to be in that situation, I can't imagine a mother who anticipated this possible ending or a mother who had no mental health issues getting up, dressing her little girl, taking the care to braid her hair and put her in a jacket, buckling her into a carseat, and then heading out to be violently killed. 

I just do not understand.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
What the fuck happened to passion. What happened to the excitement of everything, the newness in the moments? When did it all stop, where did it all go. Its been this way for so long I can't even identify when I fell over the cliff but I know I fell. But in falling I don't even recall if I reached out to catch the leg, did I tumble or slide. There no signs of scraped knees, no cuts and bruises, but I know I fell. I can feel the hurt. Even though I don't remember, I can sense the scars. The vast canyon that was created in my soul when there's no one there to pull you up, when there's no one there to light the way, when there is no one to look for you. When you are just looking for yourself, but the reflection in the mirror isn't even the same.

 Oh God, who is she?!

 ...and then you think...

  What the fuck happened to passion?

0 ...now you're just somebody that I...

Typing, typing, typing. This whole process seems so foreign to me, and yet I know that I'm extremely competent in the field.

I used to be a writer; I know that, it is documented here. I used to sparkle, and held an unwavering optimism, I used to shine, and be breathtaking all because I felt like the world around me sparkled, it inspired unwavering optimism, it shined and was breathtaking...oh how did I come so far. So far from the girl I used to be, the girl she was meant to be, all of her hopes, all of her dreams snuffed out like a short lived flame.

She thought she'd fly, she thought her words would matter, she cherished the brightness of her future, she cherished that something within her self that I'm not even sure that I can identify anymore. She is miles apart from me, she's just the girl I used to be and it went so fast it's almost like it hasn't happened at all.

0 SOS and Smoke Signals

Sunday, November 07, 2010
You come in here,
Burnt fingertips,
Darkness touching lips,
And all these lies.

Darkness starts to abound you,
And the light of my life starts to fade away.

Self destruction,
Self-destructive.
But, if you shift the blame,
While shifting eyes,
Shifting feet,
Shifting stories,
I become the destroyer, the one taking lives, and misplacing souls.

Destroying yourself, in turn destroying me…
…where thou diest, will I die.
And the light of my life starts to fade away.

Tears fall hard on deaf ears,
Pain passes unseen by turned blind eyes.

Ignorance is bliss,
Bliss is the deception,
And the deception comes again,
It is the destroyer of things.

But I will not let him take you,
I will mark this sign upon my house,
I will be in observance and bare reverence.
I will do all those things
And it shall pass over you,
And it shall pass over me,
And it shall pass over the fruits of the tree.

As it were before,
Yes, this too shall pass.

0 And All I Really Want...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I am currently in the throws of some galactic battle, an all out war on common sense, reality, and all those things which should really be important in our day to day. I am planning a wedding.

A few years ago pre-engagement, before meeting the man who I had no idea would be the one, I knew exactly what I wanted in a wedding. At this point the marriage part did not factor in because hey, I had time. I wanted the wind, and trees, a few friends, a few family, a pretty simple dress, and him. There was no need for rice and bubbles, doves or bells, poofy hair and perfect nails. I was always that simplistic about my life, hating the showy monstrosity of it all and now I am here.

I am here in the midst of the chaotic. 150 people, catering, photographers, dresses, and hair, and centerpieces, and music, and linen jackets to make it dressy enough but not too dressy. Somewhere along the way I lost it, somewhere along the way. I long for the stillness, the quiet, the spontaneous. That stillness of it all that kept me centered and balanced. But missing that leads to internal conflict which is so overwhelming it almost feels like wading through sand. Looking at this thing I have made.

We are here, with all the guests, and the food, dresses, linen, music, flowers and somehow that became what I wanted, and the sad part is that I cannot even remember how. I can only remember that at the center of it all what I really wanted and really want is to be with him.

At the center of all the madness is this deep wanting. I want to be HIS wife more than I want to be A bride. I want to come home from a long day at work and jump into my sweats, throw my hair into a pony tail and cook his favorite foods while he's Warcrafting away, or watching tv, or just taking a moment to breathe. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that tomorrow it won't be calling to hear his voice, but it will be rolling over and seeing him laying there beside me, each and everyday. I want to see his smile, not having to pick up on it via IM, text message, or with a phone attached to our ears. I want to try new things that I would never do just because I know he is there and so it will be ok.

I don't know how I lost it but I did, and somehow for him the craziness is ok. Its ok, but I'm overwhelmed when I should just let it be ok...and for that I feel a bit like poo.

From the moment we met all I ever wanted was to love him, that won't change no matter how many people are there when I say it and he says it and we are married. And so now it all seems a bit silly, being so caught up seems a bit silly when the big thing that really matters has been here all along. It did not need to be bought, nor did it need to be catered, and it doesn't always look perfect, or play out exactly how you thought. But then, that is real love isn't it. And I really love him, and I know he really loves me.