The Life of a Premature Metro Goddess

I have a simple question for you all to ponder. What happens when your Best Friends Ex Boyfriend (B.F.E.B.F pronounced BaFebFa) decides to like you? Amazingly enough I have a simple answer to accompany that simplistic question...you run for the hills like they are coated with money and one of those cute Italkian soccer players is there to help you collect; oh yes that is after you have knee'd said B.F.E.B.F in the groin and ensured that he has lost the ability to procreate. See people this is what we call common sense, logical thinking, the way of the world of sanity. This is of course where my complications arise. MY B.F.E.B.F likes me. And somehow I managed to stay away from the hills and he still has the ability to procreate...well from what I know anyway but that is irrelevant. What do you do when you B.F.E.B.F likes you, you can't stop talking to him, and your best friend won't tell you no? I say this because I have asked, pleaded, begged her to tell me to stay away...

I am broken again. I say that in way which does not relate to my emotional or physical state of being, solely to the way in which I offer all these thoughts of mine to whoever it is that reads them here. I cannot write. I have heard that in those moments when you cannot write, you must write because that is the only way to get yourself past that phase. I also heard a poet on Def Poetry who says he writes when he doesn't want to so he can get out the shit he doesn't know is inside of him...And so I write. I fill this space with words that mean nothing to me at the moment. There are several important things going on in my life which I could tell you all about but to say them at right now, not knowing how to convey them with the emotional content that has collected around them, would not do them justice and so I write. I write because I want to scream out. I want to stand outside and let all the wrongs wash away with the moving wind. And when I want to do that I write, I get i...

It has been awhile...I blame this on dial-up and the fact that I'm in a sort of evolutionary limbo at the moment. Not going forward, not going backward just stuck : ( I would write about that but then I don't need to live it and see it in word form as well. I wrote something a while ago, a long while ago. At the time I thought it was this grand revelation into life...it was not : ) But it is slightly entertaining. I'm posting because I had a conversation the other day with The Best Friend's Ex-Boyfriend (How does that work?) about kissing and that show How To Get the Guy. To sum up the conversation: Me: I don't want a guy to suck off my face or my nose or my chin. BFEBF: Ok so what things are like a must Me: Nothing BFEBF: I mean there has to be some things that are just like it Me: It's individualistic. It depends on each individual person. You just don't know how it can be fixed until it happens. Kind of like the foundation of a house. You may ...

Last night I happened to catch one of Dateline NBC's reports on internet predators. I'd seen the commercials and somehow managed to miss all the ones before. After this all I have to say is wow. It is completely incomprehensible just how sick and twisted the members of our society have become, what's even harder to reconcile is the fact that maybe they haven't become sick and twisted, maybe they've always been that way...this seems a lot more likely to me. Maybe this sick, twisted, predatorial nature has been incubating under the surface, under the radar, under our noses forever just waiting for the proper moment to open up, waiting for the proper tool with which to bring chaos into our world, the internet. There are so many things about the broadcast which upset me, I'm sure I couldn't list them all, but the most pressing is the fact that sooo many men, this complete variety of grandfathers, fathers, brothers, uncles, fireman, rabbi, teachers, husbands, y...

Regrets Memories Advice to our future goddesses: Fall in love. You won't always win but sometimes losing is just as important. In doing so you'll have a chance to see how strong you are, you will learn to grieve, to pull yourself out of the wreckage by remembering just what it is that makes you a strong and independent. Learn to appreciate the experience and the person, despite the good or the bad. Learn to forgive and to heal. Move on, remember the experience and put what you have learned to good use in the future. Each experience is a gift from God building onto our lives in a way that will leave us ready and prepared so that one day when you find that true love you will recognize it, appreciate it, be strong in it, and retain the person that YOU have become while walking the rest of your journey with another and realizing the joint difference between the two. Stand up for your self, don't let anyone ever make you waver in what you know is right. Don't allow an...

Favorite Moments during this School year (order is random) 1. Clubbing with Meleeesa 2. Breaking the Bed with Him...and there wasn't even sex 3. Random Drunk Nights with Ashly on Piano and while I dramatically sang Wild Horses 4. That One Day at work when I think I really helped 5. Walks home from the late class with The Freshman (I haven't blogged him yet...hmm) 6. Thanksgiving Dinner at My house 7. Random drunk night where I told a certain friend not to "touch my boobies"...oh yes people, priceless. 8. The Seal A Meal...ewww.awww

For all of you who have not developed a serious addiction to Grey's Anatomy I am sure you will not feel the extent of the pain which I have managed to attain in the last 30 minutes...THEY KILLED DENNY! Perfectly funny, caring, TASTY Denny! I will not go into the lengthy background involved with this, because we all know that I can do these dissertations quite well. I will say who really gives a damn about Meredith Grey and who she chooses to sleep with for the next season: The Vet; The Surgeon...I really couldn't care less. If they wanted to leave me with a good cliff hanger, end the show with Denny flatlined after receiving the transplant so that we could ponder for the next several months whether he dies or not, wrench in that torture ABC, make it hurt. But no, they've killed Denny off. There will be no drawn out excrutiating pain of unknowing. What they did manage was to leave us wondering once again how many more times Grey and Sheppard will screw before they both jus...

I'm a bit angry right now... Seething actually, I like that word. Seething. Today has not been a good day in general. I couldn't sleep as long as I wanted to, I was running late mailing graduation announcements because of certain outside forces, I didn't eat which led to a serious headache...And did I mention PMS...I could injure several people at this very moment and feel no remorse. Let me note yet again that I am very much a feminist, and I think that PMS as an excuse to explain why women can be firm, straight forward, angry, and opinionated is bullshit but at this very moment I KNOW that PMS is very much a contributing factor in my desire to push someone down the stairs. So anyway, I let my cousin use my computer. This happens often because her parents have a tendency to revoke those privileges every once in a while, just because...They are crazy, we all know this, there's no reason to bullshit, crazy. So in those moments I've allowed her (15 year old) to ...

Why is it that people who are stuck on past relationships try their damnedest to convince the rest of us that they are over it? The rest of us really don't matter in the grand scheme of the vast denial that you live in so WHY ON EARTH try to make us believe? What you are really trying to do is make yourself believe instead of facing the truth and moving on. "That shit reminds me why we aren't together" "I don't care about {INSERT NAME HERE} anymore, I just really hate them" "{INSERT NAME HERE} needed my help" " {INSERT NAME HERE} shat (I like that word) on my already broken heart, lit it on fire and then sprinkled the ashes in a landfill... but I can't just go away. What if they need me?"...So you didn't say that exactly, but it creatively conveys the gist. And you honestly expect me to look at this as "over it". Oh no you are very much into it my friend. You are stuck in the boggy ground of it all, lettin...

I must admit in the past few months I have become quite addicted to this blogging thing. But I have moments when I can't think of anything to say, or I question whether I should be as honest as a girl can be to the rest of the world, and I question whether this is actually being read, is it helping anyone, do people really care...If not KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES... : ) No, but seriously, whenever I get in those moods I simply remember my Blogging Idol. She has no idea I call her that to my various friends, and I swear I will not use that title to refer to her anymore in this blog because her name is so much more appropriate, but moving on. It is her thirtieth birthday so I figured what better way to say Happy Birthday than to ramble on and on about how she impacts me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELA! Well maybe I won't ramble. I stumbled upon About Last Night after previously having stumbled upon the City Paper, their box was right outside my office MCSR , their office was right next d...

I've decided that if and when I get married, I do not want a diamond ring. I'd been thinking about that for awhile. The Best Friend is getting married and there are all these enormous decisions and traditions that go along with that, thus I started thinking about what if. What if at some point in the future I'm in a position where I actually can see myself being with one specific person for the rest of my life. Do I really want that feeling, commitment and meaning overshadowed by the "pomp and circumstance" of expenses and misplaced actions. Also, what I had been considering even previously was the idea of the diamond ring. First, the diamond is worthless. If it weren't for the fact that man has placed some illogical value on the shining rock there would be no value. Second, it's most popular use is for beautification and materialistic measure. And third, the ridiculously brutal and inhumane things that have occurred just to bring it to the surface, j...

5/8/2006 If you asked me why, I'd say: Because you're remarkable. You are strong, determined, brave, intelligent, funny, inspiring, exceptional, and beautiful. Because you made me smile no matter what was going on. Because you were consistent and faithful to your word; You said something to me and I knew it would happen because that's just who you were. Because I trusted you with me; I trusted in your respect for me, and your care of me enough to never consider you being able to ever hurt me or wanting to hurt me or allowing yourself to hurt me. Because you pushed me and didn't allow me to have my way, you challenged me and we argued things and that is what I wanted. You made me think about the person I am, the person I want to be, and the things I must do in order to get there. You let me in just for a second, you let me into a place that I never thought I would see. And in that second I saw the smallest bit of your past, of the things that had molded and shape...

I just returned from a wonderful three day retreat, followed by mom/family time, only to have developed in the last ten minutes and extreme sense of frustration, anger, and disappointment. I'll blog this mixture of emotions first so that I can blog all the good stuff later...Saving the best for last and all that jazz. About a week ago I went home for some reason, that is unclear to me at the moment, and had every intention of...oh yes that's it...I went home having every intention to work at my mother's job if they needed me and to return her car. Of course the work aspect did not happen mostly from the fact that I'd caught the train home the prior night only to turn around and drive back to school at 7 A.M. in order to teach Girl Scouts about archaeology(I loved it). This event was at my professor's house; Afterwards I drove back to school,packed up again and drove back home which took around 3 hours because of rain and traffic on 95. After a nice dinner from M...

"The flowers of the wild cherry tree Flutter and wave. How could I not be thinking of your? It is just that your home is so very far away." The Master (Confucius) said, "He wasn't really thinking of her, or how could she be far away?

I used to have this habit, after having negative experiences with people I valued I would look at the entirety of the friendship, relationship, or whatever it may have been, evaluate the events and pull out the lesson which I gained to forever impact the way I interacted within the world. This allowed me to take the bad, and despite anything that occurred see that it was destined to turn out the way it did and that no matter what, I had learned something which would progress me on my journey through this world. This made life on the one hand easier to deal with during the hard times, but it also allowed me to appreciate the benefits of each experience I've had. But, such as it is with many other things in my life, I let this habit die. I guess it became swept up in the hard times of life, just like my optimistic "fate, destiny, signs" thing. So to get back to that, I need to try and pull out the experience that various people have given me, that part is easy. But what...

I used to believe in signs. There was this point in my life where everything was jumbled and a mess and I was trying to figure out what it was that I truly felt was real, what I believed in, and who I was. Fate, destiny, signs. I know all of this seems illogical to some people, to trust in something that will show you the way, or that is meant to be beyond your control but I did, but I do and I think somewhere along the way I lost sight of what that really means to me. In the past few years I have been so caught up in the way I want things to be, or the expectations of it all that I strayed from the spontaneity and the surprise that I love... "Disappointment cannot exist without there first being expectations" and "It could be a lot better, but it could also be a lot worse" These were my motto, my mantra, my optimistic reassurance that kept me bright eyed and care free. And then life happened... But should all the hardships of the world be any excuse for lo...

"They should call it a hassle not a "companion". That way when someone is like, "hey can I be your hassle" you can be like...No." I altered that quote slightly from its original context for the purposes of my post, but it has the same general point. No one exhibiting any signs of a normal state of being gets involved in something for the negatively dramatic hassle which will emerge. A relationship, no matter what form it may take, is created in order to benefit the parties involved, not in order to further some sadomasochistic need for self torture... Well unless both parties are sadomasochist but lets overlook that preference for the sake of this conversation. If I wanted yet another hassle to emerge from my life, specifically one which is very much unnecessary I'd do something which could have the potential for pleasure, even the insignificant, fleeting moment of pleasure; yes that's it I would take up alcoholism, Pomegranate Bacardi Smoothie...

I'm being maintained. I hate that shit. Had it not been for my Blogging Idol, and I only refer to her as this to my close friends ( :\ if you're reading this ignore), I would not have been forced to pay attention to what is standing firmly in front of me, sort of doing that stare off thing with me to see who backs down first. I am in the Maintenance Call stage of a relationship. It kind of amazes me how it always manages to sneak up on you in the midst of a change which seems completly innocuous, and irrelevant. One day you are having lengthy conversations about personal exploration, expanding your horizons and boundaries and the next he only calls on his way from Borders... "I was studying, now I'm sooo tired... Let's talk about the current state of my residency so I can have another outlet for weighing my relocation decision all the while pretending to want to talk to you." This is what he's really saying but all you can hear is "How are you, I lo...

Before I set out on this brief excerpt of my life/IM, let me just state that yes I do believe in God but my spirituality is definately not that of my family or many of my friends; that said: Antwan: http://www.streamingfaith.com/ Me: um... Me: i don't stream faith after mentioning it to Adam: Adam: ok, lemme see. this scares me a bit Adam: i don't like to see "holies" dancing **fiRefLy**

It was recently stated by a close friend that I'm only concerned with myself; I would have taken that comment a lot better had it come in the form of positive criticism and had it not been inaccurate but I will continue. This got me thinking, what does that me, only concerned with myself? Egotistic, narcisitic, self-involved, they all mean the same thing, but these can't be used as simple blanket terms because we really can never know where someone's concerns are placed. The only person who can truly know that is the respective party and so, I write. As a 21 year old, Premature Metro Goddess it is my privelage, hell, my right to be self absorbed. As pointed out by another close friend Other Close Friend: At this stage in our lives, we have to be concerned for ourselves because this is the first real time that no one else is concerned for us. They care, but we have to make our futures now. Although I know that my concerns are most definately not centered on myself alone, I w...