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The United Nations...Here and Now


In continuation from the previous post on this issue, yes, I have dated outside of my race with frequency. It still amazes me how a visual characteristic can have such an unwavering hold on the minds and lives of people that it remains one of the most predominant issues of hot debate. The discussion of race is necessary to rid us of those misconceptions we may have about others at the same time I think in some ways the constant discussion of race just serves to continually draw attention to the subtle insignificant differences between people, its a very ambiguous issue, but let me not preach...moving on.

My family has always thought I would marry a white man, I can't say I have no idea where that idea emerged of course I know. I did not date black guys, I would always attribute it to the fact that "I don't like the way men in my own race approach me, therefore I am not really attracted to black men." Go ahead, gasp loudly and give me an evil look that is fine, but as a younger black woman that is how I felt. I hated the group ambush, several guys all walking up to me so that one of them could get my number. I hated the catcalls, being called bitch when I did not respond I hated all that.

One night in college I entered the gym to begin my workout and again the group ambush followed by a cell phone being shoved in my face "give me your number"..."no, thank you". I hated what I presumed to be immaturity of the young black male and thus I grouped all of them into the file of Not Datable. What I failed to realize at the time was that in most cases the white men weren't approaching me in that way because typically they did approach me at all unless we had previously developed a friendship...

White Women + Black Men= Common
Black Women + White Men = Not so Common

Along with that in college the majority of black men and black women did not date, we once discussed this in depth in my Women of Color discussion group, the conclusion we came to which had been stated by many of those men who were our friends was "we don't want to ruin our relationships with you all"...I'm calling bullshit on that. So I will say that many things led me to not date within my race while in the realm of college but the majority of those things were led by my own inaccurate opinion of the men around me.

I had dated white, Italian, Vietnamese, Pakistani, Puerto Rican, and a variety of other men from a variety of other racial backgrounds. Some of those men could connect with me as a woman, some with me as a black woman, and typically the one's who started off as friends would just relate to me as me with no filter. There were those who I could talk to about race and any other issue, there were those who avoided race and were made uncomfortable by it. There were those who's families tried to keep us apart, specifically one who's mother said "well it hasn't been that long, you don't have kids, you still have time to break up with her"...who said I wanted to have kids with him anyway.

Of course there was the blatant dislike from those onlookers who knew nothing about us. The white guy coming to pick me up for New Year's in the predominantly black neighborhood which brought on stares and negative comments. Dinner out with a Vietnamese date and the cold stare between the two of us from another Asian woman behind the counter. I took in all of the negativity surrounding my relationships and somehow managed to avoid a relationship with a black man until...

I was a chatter, I began chatting online at 13 years old when things weren't as scary and crazy online as they are today. I met many people some friends, some a little more, some people who I am still in touch with even now. ...and a few others. There was the guy who's name I have forgotten, we will call him John Doe to be very generic. As I was an avid chatter I met all types of people from all walks of life and typically if the person turned out to be interesting enough, race never really was one of the opening topics. Its funny that now I do not remember the specifics of this story only its significance. I began chatting with John, he was interesting, we had similar musical tastes, like the same movies, we could talk for hours and I was thrilled whenever we did. Race was never mentioned until a few weeks into our friendship. It was then that he sent me a picture and to my surprise he was black. Initially I thought he was kidding, had sent me someone else's picture. To me John did not fit into the stereotypical mold that I had created for the black men in my world and despite the origin of our friendship I was drawn to him and our conversations. Eventually we fell out of touch but for some reason after our friendship had ended all the ideals and concepts I held about men of my own race began to fade away.

From that moment on I have dated several black men, not because that was the only thing I was looking for but because at that point in time I finally allowed myself to open up to those men around me. Now I can't imagine ever being with someone of another race because 1. the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with is black, there is no changing that. and 2. additionally I love being with someone who understands all the complexities of me on every level. My fiancee and I listen to a variety of music, we travel, go to hockey games, sit around the fire pit sipping wine with his family (well he does the wine part, I don't like wine), we have friends from all different backgrounds, we go against the grain and line up to it as well... we go against the stereotypes of our race, while embracing and living our culture simultaneously.

I love having someone with whom I can discuss the changes in our race and culture whom can respond with a first hand perspective, who doesn't have to sugar coat or search for the politically correct phrase. I love having someone who understands the challenges faced by myself and other black people on a daily basis and who can relate to that firsthand. To be a little less serious I love being with someone who fully grasps all the things I do to my hair (braided, kinky twists, natural whatever), I don't get anxious explaining my cultural habits because he has seen them for himself daily. I love being with someone who understands my side of this racial divide. After all this time, after all those dates and experiences, this is where I am.

But even more I am at a place where I'm just a woman in love with a man. A man who no matter what he would or could look like just makes me happy in all the crazy things, the beautiful things, the irritating things, and the loving things he does. When I look at him or think of him I never think "this is the black man in my life", I think "this is the man in my life". So its funny in a backwards way, in dating around the world race was important almost this marker of just how open and different I was. Now dating inside my race, race doesn't matter at all. And that in itself is the most important thing, those small things that we make big until we realize they don't really matter at all.

**firefly**


Comments

When you find the right man for you, all the externals are so much less important and hopefully, the old stereotypes don't fit. Cherish him!
Anonymous said…
Keep up the good work.

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