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My Strand of Pearls

I feel a bit trapped. I keep wondering why I return to this place where I can't see the Sun, where I feel as if I'm stuck in a pit of emotion that I can't work through, can't get out of.

It's amazing how I've come to believe that my past really hasn't affected my present, and yet I am sitting here today, writing this today, feeling the way I do again today.

I have daddy issues...A complex web of years isolated, and lectured to, and sat aside to which I said I was ok, and I'm not. I am angry, I am hurt, and I am furious. No matter how mature I am no matter how many years I have progressed into adulthood there is still a part of me which is a little girl wondering why her parents can never get along. Why my parents can't work together to create someplace where I am safe and stable.

I am angry at my parents for putting their anger before my well being. I am angry at my father for making excuses, not understanding, talking around me like a well versed politician. I am fucking pissed.

I am fucking pissed because they have left me with these insecurities, because they allowed me to feel alone, and because I am trapped in this cycle of misunderstandings and arguments ad nauseum...

I am pissed because my grandmother took my father's side, because they expect robotic action and simplicity in situations fueled with raw emotion, and anger, frustration, and hurt. I am pissed that at 22 years old my father does not understand me, he does not understand why he doesn't understand me, and we cannot get past our own understandings of the things around us.

And the worst part of all of this is that it is so much easier to be angry when all I have to do is forgive. All I have to do is let go of 22 years of this shit, to be better than that, to step out on faith and believe in myself, my worth, and the person I know I am. 22 years of all that shit versus one moment of forgiveness. Something that should be the easiest thing in the world is one of the hardest things to ever do.

When you break a strand of pearls and they fall to the ground, roll under tables, into corners where do you begin, which pearl do you pick up first and how do you determine if it even matters when all you want to do is put the pieces back together and make it whole again?

Ashe

Comments

Michelle O'Neil said…
My dear! Asking the questions and feeling the feelings, you are moving along closer and closer to the forgiveness you desire. So many people don't allow these feelings, they stuff them down deep with food or alcohol or drugs or they glue a fake smile on their faces and wake up 20 years later sick and still in the same spot. Still having to do the work. To think that at 22 you are so self-aware? That is amazing. Be gentle with those beautiful pearls.
2:58 PM
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