In the Know?

This blog will be a little bit of Ashley thinking on paper. Some of my opinions are still being formed so keep and open mind.

The Down Low; I’m sure we’ve all had some form of exposure to this modern concept, phrase, and/or lifestyle. The term has evolved quite far from R. Kelly’s original video concept of keeping his secret affair on the down low…Well that is until the boss’s men came in and found the boss’s girl with the boss’s boy (Kelly) and that’s when the shit hit the fan… oh how I reminisce.

But let’s play catch up. For you who aren’t familiar with the term a brief overview brought to you courtesy of Urban Dictionary.com… {refers to when closeted black men leading mostly heterosexual lives seek other men for sex that is often anonymus and unprotected} oh I love the internet. Although the terminology for this lifestyle has only recently been established, there have always been men, and women for that matter, living in the confines of a traditional heterosexual marriage while secretly engaging in homosexual activity. While this lifestyle is very controversial and sparks great conversation I think we’ve all seen those episodes of Oprah and if not there’s a few books so I won’t go there now… www.bn.com ...shouldn’t I be getting paid for those links??

Anyway, what has come to my attention are women who are living “In The Know” as tagged by Tyra Banks. I must admit that my affinity for that show is no where near as high as some of my laDiees BUT this was a must see. Women in the Know are married to men who identify as gay. I have to admit that my initial expectations for this show were not met. I expected a woman married to someone who had no possibility of true physical attraction to her because of his sexual orientation. I assumed that this would be the “Will and Grace Syndrome” which was later mentioned during the show; best friends whom despite contradictions in sexual orientation had somehow managed to establish a marital partnership.

I was surprised to find a man who is deeply in love and attracted to his wife. Although homosexual, his belief is that his identification as gay emerged from childhood molestation. His implication was that since he was not born homosexual and this was a direct result of his molestation he could simply transcend that and live in a heterosexual marriage??? (I have to note that I believe a person is born gay, just like someone is born with brown eyes or blonde hair…I think its just the way things were meant to be; and yes I do respect opinions which differ from this so let’s keep our open minds.)

I guess my interest in living “in the know” stems from personal experience. As a child a great deal of my upbringing was under the watchful eye of many family members but one couple in particular (no not my parents-never married/don’t get along) that was very important came to mind during this program. As a kid you don’t pay attention to the fact that the middle aged couple sleeps in separate rooms…it just is. You don’t pay attention to the male friends who are constantly around. It never crossed my mind that the man in this relationship was gay and from what I know now, I can only assume his wife lived in the know. Don’t get me wrong they loved each other very much despite the physical and emotional separation. Their adult children knew. My mother knew which is how I found out randomly:

Me: He was not gay?

Mom: Oh yes he was. What, did you think John was just his friend?

Me: Well I mean I was only 6.

Mom: We always knew.

Me: ::shocked face::

As shocked as I was, my next emotion was exclusion. Why didn’t I know? I mean so what I was six, I wouldn’t have cared. I was 18 when I found out and aside from the surprise of finding out that someone I assumed was heterosexual and mostly happily married was actually gay, I was very intrigued. I wondered how this secret had maintained its status of The Skeleton in the Closet, no pun intended. And was that really its status at all. If these few people were aware of his sexual identity then who else knew? Am I the only one who didn’t? Am I allowed to ask questions after all this time? I mean he passed away when I was six years old and I know approaching his wife with questions about her gay husband would be less than acceptable. But doesn’t our relationship warrant a little curiosity, a few answers? There are so many questions I am left with, so many things that I wonder about the time period of their youth and the reality of these people whom I always thought I knew. I also wonder what could be different about our culture to allow for open discussion of these issues. True the diversity of life ranging from culture to sexual identity has been nurtured and encouraged in recent years but there are still problems, secrets, and lies which remain in taboos of the past. These hinder us from examining the social, cultural, and personal histories which have allowed us to move into a place of acceptance and freedom.

Will we ever get to the point where people just are? We have progressed so far in the realms of race relations and gender relations. Yes, we still have a long way to go but doesn’t that give us the inspiration needed in order for aspirations of equal acceptance based on sexual orientation and identification? And I must emphasize ACCEPTANCE. So many people assume that the task has been completed with tolerance but that isn’t the case. I tolerate my sister’s hyper, talkative, dramatic moments. To tolerate something is to allow its existence without the need for support or understanding or care; to stand, put up with, to endure. No on wants to be put up with or endured. But to accept; To welcome, acknowledge, believe in, understand, who doesn’t want those things. I accept that my sister is more vocal than I am. See the difference in that…

Oh the simplicity of those thing which are so monumental.

**fIreFlY**