The Life of a Premature Metro Goddess

So I posted this to Facebook tonight: So this Capital shooting is bothering me. I'm wondering what was this woman's intention when she put her child (assumed) in the backseat of her car and decided to go ram into the barricades in front of the White House. The part that is really bothering me is was her intention to make a point or to hurt someone? And if her intention was to make a point how did she assume it might end? With her being killed in front of her child (assumed) and being portrayed as this violent crazy person. And finally I'm sure this is the result of several things, but is one of those things this game that is being played between political parties to prove a point. #allforthisbullshit  (Assumed). I can't help but feeling like this was a mistake. Watching this entire thing unfold live, and the images of that poor little girl being carried off by police in the midst of chaos. Now that I am a mother I always try to think of things from the perspective of...

What the fuck happened to passion. What happened to the excitement of everything, the newness in the moments? When did it all stop, where did it all go. Its been this way for so long I can't even identify when I fell over the cliff but I know I fell. But in falling I don't even recall if I reached out to catch the leg, did I tumble or slide. There no signs of scraped knees, no cuts and bruises, but I know I fell. I can feel the hurt. Even though I don't remember, I can sense the scars. The vast canyon that was created in my soul when there's no one there to pull you up, when there's no one there to light the way, when there is no one to look for you. When you are just looking for yourself, but the reflection in the mirror isn't even the same.  Oh God, who is she?!  ...and then you think...   What the fuck happened to passion?

Typing, typing, typing. This whole process seems so foreign to me, and yet I know that I'm extremely competent in the field. I used to be a writer; I know that, it is documented here. I used to sparkle, and held an unwavering optimism, I used to shine, and be breathtaking all because I felt like the world around me sparkled, it inspired unwavering optimism, it shined and was breathtaking...oh how did I come so far. So far from the girl I used to be, the girl she was meant to be, all of her hopes, all of her dreams snuffed out like a short lived flame. She thought she'd fly, she thought her words would matter, she cherished the brightness of her future, she cherished that something within her self that I'm not even sure that I can identify anymore. She is miles apart from me, she's just the girl I used to be and it went so fast it's almost like it hasn't happened at all.

You come in here, Burnt fingertips, Darkness touching lips, And all these lies. Darkness starts to abound you, And the light of my life starts to fade away. Self destruction, Self-destructive. But, if you shift the blame, While shifting eyes, Shifting feet, Shifting stories, I become the destroyer, the one taking lives, and misplacing souls. Destroying yourself, in turn destroying me… …where thou diest, will I die. And the light of my life starts to fade away. Tears fall hard on deaf ears, Pain passes unseen by turned blind eyes. Ignorance is bliss, Bliss is the deception, And the deception comes again, It is the destroyer of things. But I will not let him take you, I will mark this sign upon my house, I will be in observance and bare reverence. I will do all those things And it shall pass over you, And it shall pass over me, And it shall pass over the fruits of the tree. As it were before, Yes, this too shall pass.

I am currently in the throws of some galactic battle, an all out war on common sense, reality, and all those things which should really be important in our day to day. I am planning a wedding. A few years ago pre-engagement, before meeting the man who I had no idea would be the one, I knew exactly what I wanted in a wedding. At this point the marriage part did not factor in because hey, I had time. I wanted the wind, and trees, a few friends, a few family, a pretty simple dress, and him. There was no need for rice and bubbles, doves or bells, poofy hair and perfect nails. I was always that simplistic about my life, hating the showy monstrosity of it all and now I am here. I am here in the midst of the chaotic. 150 people, catering, photographers, dresses, and hair, and centerpieces, and music, and linen jackets to make it dressy enough but not too dressy. Somewhere along the way I lost it, somewhere along the way. I long for the stillness, the quiet, the spontaneous. That stillness of ...

There are times now when I get the urge to write. Those are moments when I try to hang onto that urge like a little girl chasing fireflies. The moments are so few and far between these days that I play in them as long as I can. Lingering in the words, and the thoughts until they fly away and all I can do is look at what was once there. I keep coming back to why I started writing this blog so many years ago, the so MANY part still being what gets me each time. I am older, I'd like to say wiser, and have learned a few life lessons that have brought me to where I am today. I once saw this life through the eyes of a Premature Metro Goddess, wanted to take on the world. I was sure of what would and what would not, and accepted nothing less, over and out, didn't want to hear anymore...the iron fist had been laid, lain? Anyway... As we speak though, I am not that woman I thought I would be, sometimes I still feel a bit like the girl I once was, but I do know this woman is someone else...

So I am about to turn 25 and everyone keeps asking what I want to do, my response of course being I want to party and I guess on some level that is always a good answer from my perspective but lately I have been thinking about so many things; how I feel about my life right now, and what is it I really want? What do I really want for my 25th birthday? A return to optimism, that intrinsic idea that no matter what, things are going to be ok. I love the optimism I have carried with me through this life and it seems to have been ravaged here lately but I miss it fiercely. When I lose it there is this replacement of anxiety that keeps me frozen, and afraid, and worried. I want my optimism, so I will have to take it. I want contentment, the feeling you have after a good day right when you fall asleep in that comfortable position knowing that tomorrow is going to be an even better day, and you fall asleep with a sigh and a smile. I want to remember to reflect on the love in my life, coming fro...

Sometimes I think I am a bit of a romantic. I love happy endings and the roads that lead to them. I think the stumbles and tumbles that two people take just to be together are precious and beautiful. I read of love, and watch it in movies, and ever since I was a little girl dreamed about what my love would look like. I played with my Barbie dolls and planned out their lives, always a successful Barbie coming home to her successful husband in their beautiful home, with their beautiful cars but even as a little girl I recognized all the falls that happen in falling in love. And boy did those dolls have some realistic falls. As a child I was always quite observant so to me Barbie dealing with the highs and lows of her interracial love was not a stretch. Barbie home with the kids terrified when Ken, well Steven went off to war and waiting for him to return home to her. Shani searching for Jamal when the imaginary tornado touched down on their RV, all the while endlessly connected in their ...

Honey and Sweet, as my first love, as it were in creation. When God set in motion, before man before child, before sky before sea, before you before me. Was there love then, to shape and mold this Earth that grew up around Him. We were reflections of Him and I am reflected in you. Let our love grow as he loved us. We submit to this love, obey heavens command, standing firmly planted moving into each other. Let our souls intertwine this heart becomes yours as yours has become mine. The sweet sounding joy, like loves first hello, loves first parting goodbye. Sweet sounding joy like loves first embrace upon loves first return. Monumental in essence, essential to existence. Sweet sweet joy as I walk with thee this love walks with me on toward heaven.

These words, I love these words. "Entreat me not to leave thee,or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people and they God shall be my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me." **fiRefly**

I think it is possibly the best or the worst, yet always the most enlightening moment when a person tells you how they truly feel about you. I don't mean they sit down and say... "This is how I feel about you, I feel..." I mean when you are in one of those moments where you're pushed to the edge and the words that come out of your mouth for better or for worse are sent directly from you head to your lips, no filtering...nothing close in similarity to using a Brita filtration system, straight taking it to the head water from the stream...when its fulls of all the stuff that water really has in it. The thing is though, no matter how much you may ignore something, or try to overlook a person always lets you know how they really feel about you. Its in their actions, their looks, and movements. When you ask a question and you get an answer, take it for what it is, don't try to put your own spin on it to make it better. When you cry and no one cares, they really don...

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!"- Randy Pausch I'm not afraid of the brick walls.

Tonight I sat down and watched Pedro, the TV movie which aired on MTV detailing aspects of the life of Pedro Zamora, who was on the 3rd season of the Real World, and the first openly gay man to be on a television show while living with AIDS . I have no desire to write about the quality or context of the film, it was what it was, but what I do want to write about is something I have thought for several years. We say words have power, words can make or break things in this world, can unite people or tear them apart. Words keep us moving and we cannot deny the power in them. So while surfing the net I briefly glimpsed something on an entertainment website that said " Important Roles These milestones in gay roles on TV marked the path to tolerance ." For as long as I can remember those statements always would stir uneasiness within me. So many people working for tolerance and I hated that word, to me the word in relation to the rights of others always left me with a sour tast...

I am happy to say that I have gotten a few responses from my most recent post, The Family is Moving In... AHHHH ! . Specifically one from my crazy aunt which I am going to post on this space, because obviously I have something else to say : ) "A word from your insane aunt- The advent of Facebook came about as a spin-off of a Harvard University version of Hot or Not and Facebook was only made for Harvard student that why the "Pearly Gates were not open for YOU." Now had you thoroughly read the blog you would have caught on to actual point and this response would not be necessitated however, it appears that this is not the case so here I go. I am fully aware of the advent of Facebook . And at the point in time when I was looking to join Facebook it had spread to several college campuses in the North East. We were all waiting and hoping for our turn. However, it was for people with a specific college association. And in addition, so I can put this on the table now and no...

In what seems to be a new overnight sensation, the older generations of my family have now acquired Facebook accounts. I say an overnight sensation because its like the Facebook account has qualities similar to an economic stimulus rebate check, everybody could get one so everybody wanted one. Initially I took this on with amusement, my aunt learning the ways of The Book. And we all remember how it started so long ago, and if not let me tell. When I got Facebook it was a few years back when this was some obscure social networking site that only a few random college campuses had aquired access to. I first heard about the book from my friend Mike, at UMASS, at the time and was a bit peeved when I tried to get my own account and discovered that those Pearly Gates were not opening...ACCESS DENIED. I would check back everyonce in a while, it seemed like slowly word spread until finally one day on campus I heard, "Yea we gotFacebook". WHAT???!!! I was never so excited in my life, a...

I would have spoken on this topic a while ago but I've been lax in my blogging. Anyway, what have I learned from our new President and First Lady? I have learned that this country is progressing in the right direction in so many ways, just look at his policy ideas. I have learned that if the President is all addicted to his cell then dammit I can be too. I've learned that when you get people to come together things that we have hoped and wanted to happen even years down the road can come to fruition. And one unseemingly important thing that I have learned is that you can be married, have children, be independent, have careers, and PTA meetings, and family, and run this very nation and still be madly in love with that person you met so many years ago, madly in love and have the entire world watch in awe and sometimes envy. I think that is so important, its important for the young people of our country who have never seen a stable, supportive, loving relationship. Its important ...

I used to have this motto...actually to be more accurate I used to have several mottoes but things have changed. I digress, I used to say "without expectation there cannot be disappointment". This was my motto and I believed in it fully for the most part because I had to. When you spend your life expecting things from people it is so easy for them to fall short of those expectations whether they should or should not, you get tired of being hurt and you just don't expect anything at all. Although this was easy to maintain for sometime when you allow yourself to get close to someone, allow them in your life and your space you start to become vulnerable in a way that has you seeking patterns and consistency, you start to want things to go a certain way because being surprised can through you so far off balance. That said, I hate the expectations that come with vulnerability, I hate thinking I know how things are going to go and then they go in the opposite direction. I don...

Tonight I am going to see a movie alone, I will ignore the implications of such, and continue on. I have never in my life gone to a movie theater alone. As an adolescent I was convinced I had Social Anxiety Disorder, disorders were a big thing then and now with everyone self diagnosing themselves; I actually learned the other day while riding the metro that I have Cyberchondria ...I like to use google to determine whether my symptoms, actual or alleged are in anyway related to an illness (which they typically are, because anything these days is a symptom)..cure for Cyberchondira ...stay the hell off Google. So this solo movie going that I am about to embark on, I think there is something changing in me, I would like to hope so anyway. There's all these things that I have wanted to do my entire life that I have backed away from doing because of what? Time, money, lack of company...but really no those reasons are not good enough so I'm off to a movie. Deciding between overly comm...

Writing a little more as the days go past: Decent Out of Heaven There’s all these little things that hurt me, I’m hurting. All these little things got me dying inside. I can feel my heart as it rips into pieces And each little piece that you’re taking with you. Going back and forth with myself in my mind Going back and forth with you all the time You make me wrong when I am so right Change the way I feel about the thoughts in my head You make me wrong when I am so right. So I’m fighting Was fighting to keep getting air The sun, and the wind, and the birds, and the trees, Was fighting to keep getting air. I want…and that doesn’t matter. Don’t know why but that doesn’t matter. I need…and that doesn’t matter I feel…and that doesn’t matter I hurt, and I cry, and I toss, and I turn I am chaos. In the midst of myself I turn to you. Chip away at me Have your way with me Laying cold and alone. Laying here in this dark. I am cold and alone Cold and alone I am chaos. **fIreFLY**

Did a little writing...a very little. Lover lay down, Lay down with me and pray Prey on all these feelings which harken me to stay. Lover lay down, Lay down your arms and see, I will stray away from battle And surrender at your knee Lover lay down, Lay down your arms on me, Hold me and mold me Lead me Let you lead Lover lay down Fore’ I’m here at your side As the night turns to day Soft gray fades away Lover lay down Won’t you lay down with me?