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And All I Really Want...

I am currently in the throws of some galactic battle, an all out war on common sense, reality, and all those things which should really be important in our day to day. I am planning a wedding.

A few years ago pre-engagement, before meeting the man who I had no idea would be the one, I knew exactly what I wanted in a wedding. At this point the marriage part did not factor in because hey, I had time. I wanted the wind, and trees, a few friends, a few family, a pretty simple dress, and him. There was no need for rice and bubbles, doves or bells, poofy hair and perfect nails. I was always that simplistic about my life, hating the showy monstrosity of it all and now I am here.

I am here in the midst of the chaotic. 150 people, catering, photographers, dresses, and hair, and centerpieces, and music, and linen jackets to make it dressy enough but not too dressy. Somewhere along the way I lost it, somewhere along the way. I long for the stillness, the quiet, the spontaneous. That stillness of it all that kept me centered and balanced. But missing that leads to internal conflict which is so overwhelming it almost feels like wading through sand. Looking at this thing I have made.

We are here, with all the guests, and the food, dresses, linen, music, flowers and somehow that became what I wanted, and the sad part is that I cannot even remember how. I can only remember that at the center of it all what I really wanted and really want is to be with him.

At the center of all the madness is this deep wanting. I want to be HIS wife more than I want to be A bride. I want to come home from a long day at work and jump into my sweats, throw my hair into a pony tail and cook his favorite foods while he's Warcrafting away, or watching tv, or just taking a moment to breathe. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that tomorrow it won't be calling to hear his voice, but it will be rolling over and seeing him laying there beside me, each and everyday. I want to see his smile, not having to pick up on it via IM, text message, or with a phone attached to our ears. I want to try new things that I would never do just because I know he is there and so it will be ok.

I don't know how I lost it but I did, and somehow for him the craziness is ok. Its ok, but I'm overwhelmed when I should just let it be ok...and for that I feel a bit like poo.

From the moment we met all I ever wanted was to love him, that won't change no matter how many people are there when I say it and he says it and we are married. And so now it all seems a bit silly, being so caught up seems a bit silly when the big thing that really matters has been here all along. It did not need to be bought, nor did it need to be catered, and it doesn't always look perfect, or play out exactly how you thought. But then, that is real love isn't it. And I really love him, and I know he really loves me.

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