Skip to main content

Snow...

I used to have this motto...actually to be more accurate I used to have several mottoes but things have changed. I digress, I used to say "without expectation there cannot be disappointment". This was my motto and I believed in it fully for the most part because I had to. When you spend your life expecting things from people it is so easy for them to fall short of those expectations whether they should or should not, you get tired of being hurt and you just don't expect anything at all.

Although this was easy to maintain for sometime when you allow yourself to get close to someone, allow them in your life and your space you start to become vulnerable in a way that has you seeking patterns and consistency, you start to want things to go a certain way because being surprised can through you so far off balance. That said, I hate the expectations that come with vulnerability, I hate thinking I know how things are going to go and then they go in the opposite direction. I don't like being surprised, I don't like hurt.

Sometimes I think if only.... I didn't expect you to call so when you don't I can be ok. I didn't expect you to show up, so its nice that you did but if you hadn't I would have been fine. If only I didn't place the inexplicably tremendous burden of expectation on the people in my life then I could go through life unaffected either way, I wouldn't have disappointment or all the hurt that goes with it... The ice queen ruling her kingdom, and it's cold out there.

Hmm.

**fIReFLY**

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

And All I Really Want...

I am currently in the throws of some galactic battle, an all out war on common sense, reality, and all those things which should really be important in our day to day. I am planning a wedding. A few years ago pre-engagement, before meeting the man who I had no idea would be the one, I knew exactly what I wanted in a wedding. At this point the marriage part did not factor in because hey, I had time. I wanted the wind, and trees, a few friends, a few family, a pretty simple dress, and him. There was no need for rice and bubbles, doves or bells, poofy hair and perfect nails. I was always that simplistic about my life, hating the showy monstrosity of it all and now I am here. I am here in the midst of the chaotic. 150 people, catering, photographers, dresses, and hair, and centerpieces, and music, and linen jackets to make it dressy enough but not too dressy. Somewhere along the way I lost it, somewhere along the way. I long for the stillness, the quiet, the spontaneous. That stillness of ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The United Nations...Here and Now

"I am the first to admit I have dated all around the world, as a matter of fact a former friend and I would call ourselves the UN (United Nations). As a young black woman I had the all too common experience of growing up in a predominantly white southern town, on the daily seeing racism in ways that some may never know, I also had the benefit of a very diverse family who would break the mold just as well as hold it in place..." In continuation from the previous post on this issue, yes, I have dated outside of my race with frequency. It still amazes me how a visual characteristic can have such an unwavering hold on the minds and lives of people that it remains one of the most predominant issues of hot debate. The discussion of race is necessary to rid us of those misconceptions we may have about others at the same time I think in some ways the constant discussion of race just serves to continually draw attention to the subtle insignificant differences between people, its a ver...
2 comments
Read more

Thursday I don't care About You It's Friday...

Biting my nails.... It's a Friday night do you know where your life is? Mine is sitting in a chair staring past my laptop at the wall. Boring...Yes but this is the life of a PREMATURE metro goddess, I haven't hit complete active metro goddess status yet. Why am I sitting at home? I imagine the numerous things I could be getting myself into. Clubbing with Khep...He did invite me. Drinking with Ash...I'm too broke and she works in the morning. In His bed...And I mean that in a very not sexual kind of way. I'm going to refer to him as Him for the purposes of this little blogging space. He is exquisite but he doesn't know it. He is the guy that somewhere deep down I really want but I have maintained enough foresight to quell those thoughts; A great achievement considering his lips on mine and his hands all over me, but that's irrelevant until my head and my heart stop separating the two. To be cliche and film quoting He is "everything I never knew I always wa...
Post a Comment
Read more