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Snow...

I used to have this motto...actually to be more accurate I used to have several mottoes but things have changed. I digress, I used to say "without expectation there cannot be disappointment". This was my motto and I believed in it fully for the most part because I had to. When you spend your life expecting things from people it is so easy for them to fall short of those expectations whether they should or should not, you get tired of being hurt and you just don't expect anything at all.

Although this was easy to maintain for sometime when you allow yourself to get close to someone, allow them in your life and your space you start to become vulnerable in a way that has you seeking patterns and consistency, you start to want things to go a certain way because being surprised can through you so far off balance. That said, I hate the expectations that come with vulnerability, I hate thinking I know how things are going to go and then they go in the opposite direction. I don't like being surprised, I don't like hurt.

Sometimes I think if only.... I didn't expect you to call so when you don't I can be ok. I didn't expect you to show up, so its nice that you did but if you hadn't I would have been fine. If only I didn't place the inexplicably tremendous burden of expectation on the people in my life then I could go through life unaffected either way, I wouldn't have disappointment or all the hurt that goes with it... The ice queen ruling her kingdom, and it's cold out there.

Hmm.

**fIReFLY**

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