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I Need Your Warm

I'm on a break... a break from BFEBF.

I haven't done this writing thing in quite sometime and yet something is stirring inside of me once again and it becomes so very necessary.

This hiatus if you will initiated itself after months and months of thought and pondering. My life as a Premature Metro Goddess was described in great length in the initial entry on this space and somehow I've managed to evolve on that path while at the same time adjusting to a life I never expected.

I fell hard and fast for someone I never expected. I loved and love him, and yet that was not enough. Not enough because I had not expected to be in that place at this time. I come from a place where I was ready to live for me, do for me, and bask in the selfish joy of being 22. I come from that place yet have been living for a while in a completely different location, one of compromise, commitment, and the duality of a two sided coin. Don't get me wrong, this is not to say that I did not adore my relationship. This is to say that to be in a relationship and know that you sidestepped that selfish point in your life is difficult, and can lead to tremendous regret.

What is it that I wanted? You mean with the exception of my cake and eating it too?

I wanted to love and belong to someone. But I also knew I wanted to love myself, belonging to myself. I wanted to meet new people, dance like crazy, stay out late walking the city, and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time.

And so this is where I am, not coming from a place of but existing in a place of....
I exist in a place of separation from my love and partner, in anticipation of the life that I need to lead in order to return to those things I had no idea I always wanted. I exist in a place where all I want to do is talk to and be talked to by the person I know I can never really have, yet at the same time knowing the person that I know I will have forever.

Longing is a difficult thing. Longing to be happy with what you have but longing to be happy with what you don't. Longing to live the life you want while compromising to live the life you have. Longing to kiss and be kissed, to love and be loved, to stand alone and yet together all at the same time.

I miss you and I want you, I want you and I miss you... and that means things are just not the same, things can't just be the same.

**FiREfly**

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