I am happy! Did I just type that, is it possible that I could truly be at that point so quickly in the midst of my wanton in between?
I should begin by saying I can't talk. My voice kind of escaped from me at some point during An Inconvenient Truth at the E Street Cinema. I went in with a voice, I came out... No voice. Maybe it got trapped in between the seats or something. (By the way GO SEE THAT MOVIE AND STOP DRIVING AMERICAN CARS...:-D)
Now let's just get to the point; no beating around the bush, no background then easing you into the decision I have made. I like my best friend's ex boyfriend. Close your mouth, get that look of shock, disdain, and disgust off of your face. I cannot see it anyway and thus it really has no effect on me. Now don't we all feel better?
This was not some rash, spur of the moment, underthought decision. It took some time, some evolving, some very important conversations, and much needed evaluation of exactly what it is that is going on inside of my head. In the beginning...God made the world yes, and in the beginning I also despised my B.F.E.B.FBFEBF (pronounced BaFebFa). Isn't that what any sane best friend is supposed to do? My sole purpose in life the moment I met him was to analyze everything he said, turn it into a debate, then argue him down until the life had been sucked out of him. He was my target. I was taking him out. "Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye because baby you're going DOWN!"
I argued with him, I screamed at him, I told him to stay away from my best friend, and after about 2 months of this I found a way to have a blowout argument about a poem he'd written (to hell with free speech), completely establish that he was a horrible evil person, and block him from my life and buddylist...That'll show him.
That was two years ago. Fast forward to the now. Things change. Sometimes we are so busy worrying about the way we should react to a person that we don't take the time to actually react to them. We live with expectations and preconceived ideals based on the past and forget that the present is just as important.
My best friend is engaged and very much in love. B.F.E.B.F managed to become another person that we both know, that we both have a very different relationship with which is fine with both of us. So I let my walls down a bit, I discussed things with him, I realized I misunderstood that poem (oops) I let him read my blog. Instead of screaming at him I tried to understand him a little better and realized I enjoyed talking to him and that we could actually be friends.
So then how did I end up here? How did I end up the Girl That Likes Her Best Friend's Ex Boyfriend and where exactly does that leave everyone.?
Before graduation we talked a lot and I realized that I probably wouldn't have the time or internet connection which would allow me to talk to him as often, and I felt dare I say it, sad : O
Also, a rare few people know how I operate with others. I have these walls I've built up...Attribute that to trust issues, daddy issues, abandonment issues, or all of the above. It can be so hard for someone to see who I really am when I spend all my time and energy hiding and keeping them out. So once I finally let him begin to know me, and could laugh at myself with him, it was hard to just stop that.
After graduation we called each other, all the time and talked for hours about all the things we never said or rather, all the things I never let us say. I discovered that I'm not always right about people, and that evolved into my discovering that he liked me and I felt the same way
I have a simple question for you all to ponder. What happens when your Best Friends Ex Boyfriend decides to like you? You run for the hills like they are coated with money and one of those cute Italian soccer players is there to help you spend it; oh yes that is after you have knee'd said B.F.E.B.F in the groin and ensured that he has lost the ability to procreate. See people this is what we call common sense, logical thinking, the way of the world of sanity.
MY B.F.E.B.F likes me. And somehow I managed to stay away from the hills and he still has the ability to procreate...Well from what I know anyway but that is irrelevant. What do you do when you B.F.E.B.F likes you, you can't stop talking to him, and your best friend won't tell you no?
PANIC PANIC PANIC...If you didn't notice this is the point where I began to panic.
I say this because I have asked, pleaded, begged her to tell me to stay away. I told her she has to tell me this isn't a good idea, that she doesn't want me to do it. To quote a conversation:
Me: Tell me not to do it. Scream at me or something. Call me a whore.
The Best Friend: You know, you don't really strike me as a whore ::accompanying laughter begins::
It's as if she doesn't care, and I gasp. It's like an evil torturous plot without the evil torture or plot.
You have to follow your heart she says, you have to follow your heart...
All the while with her saying that I was still doubtful. What the hell am I doing, I don't want my best friend to hate me, am I a big whore now, I have to stop talking to him, but I can't stop talking to him, I hate this. All of this went through my head everyday for the longest time until I saw her. Saturday night actually and this is where we begin to get up to date.
I am happy because for the first time in my life I have a friend that I am certain I can count on no matter what. A friend who will be there when I laugh, when I cry, when I screw up, and when I shine. I have a friend who will support me and encourage me during a time when she has every right not to, during a time when my mother, my sister, and other friends are in complete doubt of me. For those things I am so happy, so blessed, and so thankful to have her in my life.
Best Friend: I keep telling you I don't care, you have to follow your heart. I'm happy that you are happy. So give me all the juicy details...
: ) I love her.
I am also happy because for the first time in my life I have been able to sit aside ideals of what perfection might be. I've been able to look past that immediate response and stick with something long enough to see that it can truly be good for me. I'm so used to compromising. I'm so used to finding the guy who says all the right things but can never back them up, used to finding someone who I know can only offer me certain things and hoping that at some point he'll see the light and offer me everything, when in reality he had no intention of doing that in the first place. I've finally been smart enough to believe the guy who cares for me, to realize that it is possible for him to say all the right things, do all the right things, and to have that be ok.
I've been smart enough to think it through, learn from past mistakes, and act accordingly. So this is what that whole growing up thing is about, I'm finally starting to get it.
**fiReFly**
I should begin by saying I can't talk. My voice kind of escaped from me at some point during An Inconvenient Truth at the E Street Cinema. I went in with a voice, I came out... No voice. Maybe it got trapped in between the seats or something. (By the way GO SEE THAT MOVIE AND STOP DRIVING AMERICAN CARS...:-D)
Now let's just get to the point; no beating around the bush, no background then easing you into the decision I have made. I like my best friend's ex boyfriend. Close your mouth, get that look of shock, disdain, and disgust off of your face. I cannot see it anyway and thus it really has no effect on me. Now don't we all feel better?
This was not some rash, spur of the moment, underthought decision. It took some time, some evolving, some very important conversations, and much needed evaluation of exactly what it is that is going on inside of my head. In the beginning...God made the world yes, and in the beginning I also despised my B.F.E.B.FBFEBF (pronounced BaFebFa). Isn't that what any sane best friend is supposed to do? My sole purpose in life the moment I met him was to analyze everything he said, turn it into a debate, then argue him down until the life had been sucked out of him. He was my target. I was taking him out. "Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye because baby you're going DOWN!"
I argued with him, I screamed at him, I told him to stay away from my best friend, and after about 2 months of this I found a way to have a blowout argument about a poem he'd written (to hell with free speech), completely establish that he was a horrible evil person, and block him from my life and buddylist...That'll show him.
That was two years ago. Fast forward to the now. Things change. Sometimes we are so busy worrying about the way we should react to a person that we don't take the time to actually react to them. We live with expectations and preconceived ideals based on the past and forget that the present is just as important.
My best friend is engaged and very much in love. B.F.E.B.F managed to become another person that we both know, that we both have a very different relationship with which is fine with both of us. So I let my walls down a bit, I discussed things with him, I realized I misunderstood that poem (oops) I let him read my blog. Instead of screaming at him I tried to understand him a little better and realized I enjoyed talking to him and that we could actually be friends.
So then how did I end up here? How did I end up the Girl That Likes Her Best Friend's Ex Boyfriend and where exactly does that leave everyone.?
Before graduation we talked a lot and I realized that I probably wouldn't have the time or internet connection which would allow me to talk to him as often, and I felt dare I say it, sad : O
Also, a rare few people know how I operate with others. I have these walls I've built up...Attribute that to trust issues, daddy issues, abandonment issues, or all of the above. It can be so hard for someone to see who I really am when I spend all my time and energy hiding and keeping them out. So once I finally let him begin to know me, and could laugh at myself with him, it was hard to just stop that.
After graduation we called each other, all the time and talked for hours about all the things we never said or rather, all the things I never let us say. I discovered that I'm not always right about people, and that evolved into my discovering that he liked me and I felt the same way
I have a simple question for you all to ponder. What happens when your Best Friends Ex Boyfriend decides to like you? You run for the hills like they are coated with money and one of those cute Italian soccer players is there to help you spend it; oh yes that is after you have knee'd said B.F.E.B.F in the groin and ensured that he has lost the ability to procreate. See people this is what we call common sense, logical thinking, the way of the world of sanity.
MY B.F.E.B.F likes me. And somehow I managed to stay away from the hills and he still has the ability to procreate...Well from what I know anyway but that is irrelevant. What do you do when you B.F.E.B.F likes you, you can't stop talking to him, and your best friend won't tell you no?
PANIC PANIC PANIC...If you didn't notice this is the point where I began to panic.
I say this because I have asked, pleaded, begged her to tell me to stay away. I told her she has to tell me this isn't a good idea, that she doesn't want me to do it. To quote a conversation:
Me: Tell me not to do it. Scream at me or something. Call me a whore.
The Best Friend: You know, you don't really strike me as a whore ::accompanying laughter begins::
It's as if she doesn't care, and I gasp. It's like an evil torturous plot without the evil torture or plot.
You have to follow your heart she says, you have to follow your heart...
All the while with her saying that I was still doubtful. What the hell am I doing, I don't want my best friend to hate me, am I a big whore now, I have to stop talking to him, but I can't stop talking to him, I hate this. All of this went through my head everyday for the longest time until I saw her. Saturday night actually and this is where we begin to get up to date.
I am happy because for the first time in my life I have a friend that I am certain I can count on no matter what. A friend who will be there when I laugh, when I cry, when I screw up, and when I shine. I have a friend who will support me and encourage me during a time when she has every right not to, during a time when my mother, my sister, and other friends are in complete doubt of me. For those things I am so happy, so blessed, and so thankful to have her in my life.
Best Friend: I keep telling you I don't care, you have to follow your heart. I'm happy that you are happy. So give me all the juicy details...
: ) I love her.
I am also happy because for the first time in my life I have been able to sit aside ideals of what perfection might be. I've been able to look past that immediate response and stick with something long enough to see that it can truly be good for me. I'm so used to compromising. I'm so used to finding the guy who says all the right things but can never back them up, used to finding someone who I know can only offer me certain things and hoping that at some point he'll see the light and offer me everything, when in reality he had no intention of doing that in the first place. I've finally been smart enough to believe the guy who cares for me, to realize that it is possible for him to say all the right things, do all the right things, and to have that be ok.
I've been smart enough to think it through, learn from past mistakes, and act accordingly. So this is what that whole growing up thing is about, I'm finally starting to get it.
**fiReFly**
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