The Life of a Premature Metro Goddess

I just returned from a wonderful three day retreat, followed by mom/family time, only to have developed in the last ten minutes and extreme sense of frustration, anger, and disappointment. I'll blog this mixture of emotions first so that I can blog all the good stuff later...Saving the best for last and all that jazz. About a week ago I went home for some reason, that is unclear to me at the moment, and had every intention of...oh yes that's it...I went home having every intention to work at my mother's job if they needed me and to return her car. Of course the work aspect did not happen mostly from the fact that I'd caught the train home the prior night only to turn around and drive back to school at 7 A.M. in order to teach Girl Scouts about archaeology(I loved it). This event was at my professor's house; Afterwards I drove back to school,packed up again and drove back home which took around 3 hours because of rain and traffic on 95. After a nice dinner from M...

"The flowers of the wild cherry tree Flutter and wave. How could I not be thinking of your? It is just that your home is so very far away." The Master (Confucius) said, "He wasn't really thinking of her, or how could she be far away?

I used to have this habit, after having negative experiences with people I valued I would look at the entirety of the friendship, relationship, or whatever it may have been, evaluate the events and pull out the lesson which I gained to forever impact the way I interacted within the world. This allowed me to take the bad, and despite anything that occurred see that it was destined to turn out the way it did and that no matter what, I had learned something which would progress me on my journey through this world. This made life on the one hand easier to deal with during the hard times, but it also allowed me to appreciate the benefits of each experience I've had. But, such as it is with many other things in my life, I let this habit die. I guess it became swept up in the hard times of life, just like my optimistic "fate, destiny, signs" thing. So to get back to that, I need to try and pull out the experience that various people have given me, that part is easy. But what...

I used to believe in signs. There was this point in my life where everything was jumbled and a mess and I was trying to figure out what it was that I truly felt was real, what I believed in, and who I was. Fate, destiny, signs. I know all of this seems illogical to some people, to trust in something that will show you the way, or that is meant to be beyond your control but I did, but I do and I think somewhere along the way I lost sight of what that really means to me. In the past few years I have been so caught up in the way I want things to be, or the expectations of it all that I strayed from the spontaneity and the surprise that I love... "Disappointment cannot exist without there first being expectations" and "It could be a lot better, but it could also be a lot worse" These were my motto, my mantra, my optimistic reassurance that kept me bright eyed and care free. And then life happened... But should all the hardships of the world be any excuse for lo...

"They should call it a hassle not a "companion". That way when someone is like, "hey can I be your hassle" you can be like...No." I altered that quote slightly from its original context for the purposes of my post, but it has the same general point. No one exhibiting any signs of a normal state of being gets involved in something for the negatively dramatic hassle which will emerge. A relationship, no matter what form it may take, is created in order to benefit the parties involved, not in order to further some sadomasochistic need for self torture... Well unless both parties are sadomasochist but lets overlook that preference for the sake of this conversation. If I wanted yet another hassle to emerge from my life, specifically one which is very much unnecessary I'd do something which could have the potential for pleasure, even the insignificant, fleeting moment of pleasure; yes that's it I would take up alcoholism, Pomegranate Bacardi Smoothie...

I'm being maintained. I hate that shit. Had it not been for my Blogging Idol, and I only refer to her as this to my close friends ( :\ if you're reading this ignore), I would not have been forced to pay attention to what is standing firmly in front of me, sort of doing that stare off thing with me to see who backs down first. I am in the Maintenance Call stage of a relationship. It kind of amazes me how it always manages to sneak up on you in the midst of a change which seems completly innocuous, and irrelevant. One day you are having lengthy conversations about personal exploration, expanding your horizons and boundaries and the next he only calls on his way from Borders... "I was studying, now I'm sooo tired... Let's talk about the current state of my residency so I can have another outlet for weighing my relocation decision all the while pretending to want to talk to you." This is what he's really saying but all you can hear is "How are you, I lo...